It’s been a long time since I posted a personal story; I’ve been away for awhile and currently under investigation… but anyways here are the transcripts of a recent phone conversation, courtesy of the FBI.
I don’t want any of you idiots asking me for a favor.
Case In Point. There was this one guy, Herbie Lipchitz, who I didn’t
know but asked me if he could use me as a job
reference, and I told him:
I didn’t know this guy, for all I knew he could have been a serial killer. Or just released from a mental hospital, or a convicted felon recently set free by that gay cock-sucker Obama.
Well a couple months go by, and I get a
call from this pickle company asking me
I answered the phone and I thought they had the wrong number.
At first, I didn’t even know who they were
talking about, but when the Manager of that company
said, “He used you as a reference on his Job Application,”
Then I remembered who it was, and that I specifically
told that asshole not to use me as a reference, but he did it anyway.
Well since they decided to
wake me from a sound sleep at 1:00 PM in the
afternoon, that fateful Tuesday, I decided to play
And the ensuing conversation went something like
Hello……My name is Mr. Jerkins, and I’m calling from the Bumpy Log Pickle Factory in regards to Herbie Lipchitz….
Me: What address did he give you on his application, that mother-fucker still owes me money, and I’ve been looking for him ever since.”
Jerking’s: Can you confirm that you were Herbie’s boss at (Classic) pickling.
Me: Yes, Yes, I can.
Jerking: What type of worker, was Herbie?
Me: Obsolete, at best.
Jerkin: Can you elaborate?
Jerkme: He said he worked for your company as a pickle vat operator, can you tell me his responsibilities and in what capacity.
Me: All right look, I never hired that dirty, son a bitch, that was done by some other guy and he used some fly-by-night temp agency.
Jerkme: I see, what were the ramifications of hiring Herbie?
Me: After the company hired Herbie the Impurity Levels went up dramatically.
Jerkoff: Can you tell me by what percentage.
Me: Well the State Law is 2%, but after Herbie joined our little family it went up to like 68% or 69% percent.
Jerking’s: What type of Impurities were found?
Me: Fish, Shit, Mud, Piss, Puss, Sperm, Alcohol, and some unknown substance never identified, seized by the government and we haven’t heard back from them since.
Jerkin-it: Over what time frame did this happen?
Me: That first day when he fell in the Vat.
Jacking: He fell in the vat???
Me: Yea, I guess he was drunk.
Jeggings: What did you do???
Me: I started laughing and filmed it with my camera phone then uploaded it to YouTube. You can see if you go to my channel.
Jenkins: What disciplinary steps were taken, if any?
Me: Well we have a 3 strike and you’re out policy, so after that incident, Herbie was like on 2 and nine-tenths, so he couldn’t even go on break and come back late from taking a shit, and it my job to time him.
Them: How did he account for his drinking on the job?
Me: He said it wasn’t the alcohol, he was high as kite because he had a prescription for medical marijuana…
Them: Were their further incidents?
Me: Just One.
Jacking: Yes, what was that.
Me: I was told to keep a close eye on him so I installed a hidden camera to keep him “monitored.”
Jerkins: What did you find:
Me: He was beating off into the vat of pickle juice, same as the last guy we fired, the week before.
Them: Excuse Me?
Me: Masturbating, he was masturbating in the pickle Vat.
That Guy: What did you do?
Me: I waited until he was done, and then I put pushed his ass out the second story window.
Jerking: Was their permanent damage?
Me: He might have broken a couple ribs but nothing to cry about, we could never get the stains out of that vat thou.
Jerking’s: Did he offer any explanation on why he was acting so “extremely unprofessional” during working hours?”
Me: He said he was just following the secret Illuminati message on the front of the pickle jar. We had a picture of a stork (symbolic of delivering babies) on the front of the label. What the hell does a stork have to do with pickles anyway?
When he figured it out he started beating off in the vat.
Jerking’s: Thank You Mr. Rath, do you have any closing comments that might be helpful in our decision.
Me: This is not an isolated incident, everyone in all food industries has a least one scumbag that “contaminates” each food product for the company they work for.
It’s like a secret perverted organization and their all in on it, they get off by having billions of people ingesting their piss, sperm, and shit. Why do you think they allow the 2% to begin with?
Them: How do you know all this?
Me: Hey, mother-fucker I’m not applying for the job, so that’s my business.