Chapter 12: Sins of the Mother
After Jeanie opened the front door to her house, she walked past the kitchen where her mother was waiting. She saw Sabrina, out of the corner of her eye.
Jeanie had hoped she would have been able to go straight upstairs, so she could shower, change her clothes and go to bed, take an unhealthy amount of Motrin, if only to escape the pain. But now all of that would have to wait.
As Jeanie walked in and stood across the table the two women studied each other. Her mother was smoking a cigarette, and had a glass of wine nearby, normally filled to the top, but now, it was almost empty, Jeanie looked at the clock and it wasn’t even 10:30 yet.
Like Jeanie, her mother, Sabrina, had natural red hair, and when her mother was younger she was also beautiful, but never as attractive as Jeanie, every woman paled in comparison to Jeanie, she was cute, and she radiated!!!
Even her mother, Sabrina envied her for that. Sabrina had not aged well, and as she became older she started to look harder. Her eyes became full of fear, suspicion, and that spark of insanity.
Betty Davis eyes.
And all of this overshadowed even her remaining beauty.
“I wish you would stop smoking those things, Jeanie started, firing the first shot.”
“Sit down, I want to talk to you, her mother said sternly.”
“Just to you, Where’s Steve at, Jeanie asked?”
Jeanie started calling her biological father, Steve, by his first name, after he raped her. She didn’t consider him her father anymore, even though he sired her. Jeanie thought of him more like an evil step father now, twisted and perverted.
She did not limit the title to just their household, Jeanie even called him “Steve” in public, so that she would have to go on family outings with the two of them.
“I send him out, I didn’t want him to be here for this, Sabrina snapped.”
“Do I really need to sit down; am I going to be here that long, Jeanie asked?”
“You are in so much trouble, Sabrina said, then she put out her cigarette out, you’d be wise to keep that smart mouth of yours’s shut, and then she set the ashtray to the side and closed the open window.”
Sabrina didn’t want the neighbors to hear either.
“Thank You, Jeanie said, in reference to the cigarette.”
“Where have you been all night, Sabrina demanded.”
“I feel asleep over Mark’s house, Jeanie said.”
“Fell asleep, doing what, her mother asked?”
“We were watching movies, and it got late, I wasn’t feeling good, so I took some cough syrup, before I knew it I was out, I didn’t do it on purpose, Jeanie said.”
Sabrina had noticed her cough previously during the week, and her daughter never lied to her before.
“What room did you fall asleep in, Sabrina, asked?”
“We started watching movies in the basement, but Mark completed a tree-fort he had built. That’s where I took the cough syrup.”
“Tree-fort, Sabrina asked amused, so he’s a carpenter???”
“Why must you be so hateful, Jeanie asked?”
“I don’t feel comfortable with my sixteen-year-old daughter sleeping overnight in her boyfriend’s tree-fort, her mother scolded her.”
“I was very sick, I took too much (cough syrup), and I never stayed out this late before, Jeanie said, this is the first time in almost three years, don’t you think you could forgive, just this once, she asked.”
“Why so you can sleep with him again, Sabrina asked.”
Jeanie looked away, refusing to answer. She started to cry.
“I see, her mother replied.”
“Does his parents know you stayed the night, Sabrina asked?”
“No, Jeanie answered.”
“Have you been sleeping with other boys as well, or just him, Sabrina asked?”
“Now, Jeanie turned to face her, “I thought you would have been happy, me finding my own man and all-
“Don’t you sass me girl, Sabrina warned.”
Sabrina felt tears fall from her eyes, as she took the last sip from her glass.
“Last night I was worried sick, I didn’t know where you were, if something had happened, or if you were alive or dead, I couldn’t sleep.
I have been sitting here all morning waiting for you to walk thru that door, just so I could tell you all this. I was five minutes away from calling the police, Sabrina said.”
“Why didn’t you call Mark’s house, Jeanie inquired?”
“I keep asking myself the same question, Sabrina said shaking her head.”
“Beth his mom invited you to go shopping with us.”
“I’m sure we’ll have lots to talk about, Sabrina warned.”
“I’m not ashamed of being with the man I love, I’ll tell her myself if it comes to that, Jeanie said.”
“Don’t you call that sixteen-year-old boy who still lives with his parents a man, just because you slept with him, Sabrina laughed.”
“More of a man than Steve, Jeanie returned the insult.”
Sabrina was losing momentum; she had to switch gears.
“I know you hate me, Sabrina sobbed, and I don’t expect you to believe me, but I love you, she confessed tearfully.”
Jeanie sometimes watched old movies on cable like the “AMC,” channel or “Turner Classics,” stations that were known for colorizing some of the classics, her mother could have been a prettier version of Betty Davis.
“And I love Mark, Jeanie’s said.”
“Of course, you do, Sabrina muttered bitterly, wiping away her tears.”
“Maybe, if you gave him a chance, Jeanie said.”
“No, she almost stood up, that boy is going to ruin your life, Sabrina spat bitterly, and that’s why I didn’t call his house; I don’t want to have anything to do with that monster, nor those two irresponsible parents for spawning that monster.
What did her ever do to you for you hate him, Jeanie asked?
“He’s not right for you, that’s all, Sabrina replied.”
“Shouldn’t that be my decision, Jeanie asked?”
“Your too young to know what’s best for you, Sabrina said.”
“I’m old enough to know what I want, and even if Mark is the wrong choice, I need to find that out for myself, I want to decide it; rather than have you decide it for me.
“This is not a game, Jeanie, your whole future is at stake, Sabrina raised her voice angrily.”
Jeanie winched at her tone.
“My future; not yours, Jeanie reminded her calmly.”
Sabrina psychologically switched gears again.
“Your wrong about me hating Mark, why would I, he is very handsome and charming and it’s obvious he’s in love with you. I see how well he treats you and I do understand you falling for him. How could a young girl not fall in love with him?”
“So, then what’s the problem, Jeanie asked?”
“The problem lies within the fact that you outclass him in every aspect; he is not your equal. You are special, different, gifted, and meant to do great things, and this Mark, who is every high-school girl’s dream, is not what’s best for you, if he were your equal, then I would be the first one to support you and him. And give him my blessing, but he’s not, and that’s why I oppose him, Sabrina explained logically.
“How can you be so certain, Jeanie asked?”
“Because I too was a young girl too Jeanie, once in high-school, not so long ago, and I know this type of boy, he is very promising in his own way, and I’m sure he will do well, but he does not have your potential, your ability for greatness.”
“Jeanie shook her head, you don’t know him.”
Sabrina ignored her, “Men who are outclassed by the woman they love become violent and abusive, because he knows he can only keep you by holding you back, Sabrina said.”
“Is that what happened with you and Steve, Jeanie asked.”
“Yes, and this “love” that you think you feel for him now will eventually turn into hate, once you see this Mark for who he really is, but by that time it will be far too late, Sabrina warned her.
“Well, it’s my life, so I should be the one who decides how to ruin it, at least then I won’t have anyone to blame except myself. I can live with my own choices, but not with somebody else’s, Jeanie said evenly.
“All you see is the good in him, Jeanie because you’re in love, and that makes you blind, Sabrina said, so you cannot see the bad, but I can, yet you know it’s there just the same, Sabrina warned.”
“There’s good and bad in everyone, so if I tried to find a man who was only “good,” then I would never be in love, because that person doesn’t exist.”
Excellent, Sabrina thought to herself and she smiled despite herself, she couldn’t help it, she just saw herself in her daughter.
Sabrina poured herself another glass of wine, “You think you’re so smart, Jeanie, you think you know everything, and that you see everything. You see everything, everything except the truth about this Mark, Sabrina spat.
Jeanie crossed her arms, “Okay then, you tell me, what I am not seeing.”
“Jeanie, you have the entire world in the palm of your hands, but you’re choosing to throw it away on a boy who can never help you achieve your greatness, Sabrina replied.”
“What is it that you’re so afraid that I’m going to be missing out on with Mark, that I would have with somebody else, Jeanie asked suddenly puzzled.”
“You are only sixteen Jeanie, I do not want you to make a decision that will affect you for the rest of your life, not while you’re still a child, Sabrina begged her.”
“I’m not a child, Jeanie said.”
“Now that you slept with him things are only going to get worse, he’s going to treat you like a possession and not even like a woman. Why waste your life with this boy when you can stand behind a man of your own statue, Sabrina begged.”
Jeanie felt like her mother was hiding something, but Jeanie didn’t know what it was. Jeanie never felt her mother had her best interests at heart, but her mother never lied to her, now Jeanie felt confused. Now that she had been intimate with Mark, she was vulnerable, she needed her mother’s support, even if she didn’t want to admit it.
“I want you to be happy for me mother, especially since you know how I feel, Jeanie told her sadly.”
“How can I be, when you know that would be a lie???
Jeanie, you are young and inexperienced, and you are confusing sex with love and they are not the same thing, Sabrina said.”
“Your too late mother, I was taught that lesson from Steve a long time ago.”
Sabrina mentally switched gears again.
“I hate that bastard for what he did to you, and myself for not being here to protect you. Did I ever tell you the same thing happened to me, and that I didn’t have anyone there for me either, but if my mother had talked to me like I’m talking to you now, I never would have married Steve.”
“Then why didn’t you leave him, after you found out, Jeanie said betrayed, and started crying.”
“Because I was afraid, I had just come out of the hospital, I couldn’t even take care of myself, Sabrina said.”
“What happened to you, Jeanie asked for the first time.”
“Please, she broke down crying, I cannot speak of it, Sabrina replied.”
“You work as a medical consultant for the Government, what could have gone so wrong that you had to be hospitalized, Jeanie asked?”
Sabrina worked for the United States Government, it was just one of many Black Ops Programs that was hidden from Congress.
She was an actual a medical doctor but one trained and hired thru the Army, her official title was “Technical-Supervisor.”
The latest project that she was involved in was a program that attempted to “revive” the dead. The Army apparently had some success testing by testing the substances on the wounded soldiers on the battlefield. Certain soldiers could be brought back, depending on their wounds, if they died within a certain time frame.
But the further out that frame became, the more difficult it was to achieve positive results within the “Death Threshold.”
And then the unimaginable happened, and seven of the nine people involved in the project were instantly killed, the remaining two impaired, one permanently, the other Sabrina herself, suffered from a complete mental breakdown, instantaneously. Even years later she was still picking up the pieces. Her mind had fragmented.
“It’s too late for me, Sabrina deflected, but not for you.
All men are disgusting animals, and this Mark is no different, but you still have a choice, you do not have to end up like me, Sabrina said desperately.”
Jeanie thought about John, Mark’s father, and the way he touched her, would Mark eventually become his father too?
Maybe her mother was right, maybe she couldn’t even trust her own judgement anymore.
“No, it’s not like that, we love each other, Jeanie said.”
“It’s exactly like that, but I didn’t have anyone to warn me about your father, the way I’m trying to warn you about Mark, you only know him the way I only knew your father, so I never gave myself a chance.
You’re making the same mistakes I did, settling for the first boy who came along, and one smart enough to trick a girl into bed.”
Sabrina was wavering, but she was trying to sound as sincere as she could.”
“Are we done, Jeanie, asked.”
“Jeanie, you are beautiful, and you can have any man you want, and as many men as you want, and when you have had more “experiences” then by comparison, you will see that you are not so much in love with this Mark, as you think you are, Sabrina confirmed.”
“You’re disgusting, Jeanie spat.”
If Jeanie thought Sabrina was disgusting, Sabrina was equally disgusted with Jeanie, a daughter who would carry a grudge against her own father to his grave, and hers, and for what?
If anything, Jeanie should have loved her father more, not less. Jeanie’s grandfather had raped Sabrina as well, but in time she realized that she had become a better “woman” for it.
Why couldn’t Jeanie overlook the social stigma set by the “permanent underclass” and do the same?
They were not commoners, they were royalty and it was their tradition to keep the bloodline pure. The Egyptians who ruled the world and made the Jews their slaves, had done “nobility breeding” for thousands of years, why should they stop now?
Modern society was full of inferior’s and proof that their “purification” process is what made and kept them superior.
And Jeanie chose to align with an outsider even against her own family. A family that would have done anything for her, had she just accepted them, but Jeanie had proved herself to be just a spoiled, ungrateful, little bitch, who had no loyalty, and now becoming more trouble than she was worth.
“I know better, give yourself some time, and in a few years, you will see this “Mark,” thru a different set of eyes, and when you do, you will wonder then, what you ever saw in him to begin with, Sabrina finished.”
“I will always love Mark, Jeanie said.”
Sabrina took another sip of her wine,
“Don’t hate me just because I am trying to stop you from making the same mistakes I did, Sabrina cried desperately.”
“I won’t, Jeanie raised her voice.”
“You are, Sabrina yelled back.”
Jeanie winced from the volume of her voice.
The overall volume of her mother’s voice had continued to rise and as it did, Jeanie continued to become more and more agitated.
Sabrina took another sip of her wine.
“Mother, you shouldn’t drink on your medication, Jeanie said, getting in a dig.”
Sabrina now realized for the first time that Jeanie had become, “unreachable,” Sabrina had lost all parental control. In the back of her mind, Sabrina wanted revenge, she knew, that Jeanie was responsible for Steve’s prostate cancer and resulting impotency, it was her revenge for Steve raping her. Sabrina hated Jeanie as much as Jeanie hated her.
Jeanie would never accept their way. She was not one of them. The Superior.
Steve raped Jeanie because that was their blood-line tradition, but Sabrina her mother, wasn’t there to help facilitate Jeanie thru the process. Steve had to perform Jeanie’s deflowering after her first period, with no exceptions, even if the timing meant that he had to do it without Sabrina’s help, so everything that happened could not have done so at a worse time.
The “sexual-initiation” was supposed to have cemented her parents control over Jeanie but instead it had the complete opposite effect, and now Jeanie resented both her parents, and not just her father.
Perverse as it was Steve had never been close to Jeanie, and secretly Jeanie felt her father’s coldness was because Jeanie had done something wrong, or that she was not worthy of his love.
That is why she sought love from Josh, the boy at the mall that she had her first crush on, his rejection of her became so overwhelming that Jeanie became almost suicidal. That was why she broke the Wiccan rules and performed the ritual when she knew better, because she was so desperate for the love she never had from either parent, but especially her father.
Steve was a handsome, but cold and emotionless man, Soul-less.
As Jeanie grew older she doubted that he cared about anything, except maybe his work. But certainly not her, his only child. As far as she was concerned, Steve didn’t even know she existed, at least not until he raped her. Steve never viewed Jeanie as his daughter, not even as a child. She was always an adult in a child’s body, Jeanie could read and comprehend at an adult level when she was still in the fourth grade.
She was beautiful even as a child, and it only continued to blossom as she got older. Jeanie was more than just beautiful thou, she was brilliant, charismatic, and oozed of both a childish uber-cuteness, and brazen sexuality, in a combination that Jeanie projected but she herself didn’t always recognize. She was a magnet for men, everyman except the one she wanted most. Josh.
Jeanie’s poetic revenge, on her father made both parents suffer, and as a woman Sabrina respected that. Females shared an unconscious bond that men were not unaware of, when one woman suffered they all suffered, and when one woman deservedly revenge on a deceitful male, they all celebrated. When one man became the enemy; all men were the enemy. Bro’s before Ho’s was just an embarrassing bumper sticker, Womanhood was Sisterhood. And every woman was brought into the fold. Men were independent, lone wolves by contrast, but all woman shared an unconscious emotional bond. Ask any mother about the feelings she had about her children.
Sabrina was always jealous of Jeanie, but now she was frightened of her as well. Was Jeanie strong enough to break the chains of spiritual slavery, whereas Sabrina herself had just become another link.
And if so, she was doing it all by herself. Sabrina had never there for Jeanie, no matter how skillfully she tried to disguise it, and Jeanie still made her feel like the monster she was, without even trying.
Not only that but as Jeanie became older she was becoming more dangerous and powerful, soon she would even be a threat, if she would not join, she would be taken by force. If she could not be broken, then she would simply be used and discarded after she herself had been bred. Jeanie would be of use one way or the other. Even if that meant that her human value was reduced to a human incubator.
Sabrina would sit front row on her daughter’s day of reckoning, holding her grandchild in her arms, and watching her daughters demise with a smile that would rival a starving crocodile. Primitive, evil, and absolute. In the meantime, she would wait, she had no choice, but if Jeanie thought she only lacked experience with men, she was about to get a rude awakening.
“We tried to give you everything, and despite my better judgement; I even gave you every chance to prove me wrong about this “Mark,” but I can see for myself, that he is exactly the type of person I feared him to be, and this is evident by the influence he has over you, Sabrina said.”
“What influence, Jeanie said?”
“You ignore your curfew, break our rules, disrespect me, your father, and even yourself. I am ashamed to see the young woman that I carried, and almost died for in childbirth, grow up to be so vile, contemptuous, and hateful, with a filthy mouth that would make a sailor blush.
Her mother was loud, and she was trying to upset Jeanie on purpose, but Jeanie wouldn’t take the bait and she held her tongue.
“I know I failed you as a parent, but while you live in my house, you will abide by our rules, and that means you will be home after school every night.”
“You’re trying to make me a prisoner, Jeanie said.”
You’re still a minor, and were still responsible for you, Sabrina spat.”
“I won’t be trapped her, with you and your perverted husband, Jeanie challenged.”
If you can’t find a decent hour to come home by, then I will give you one, Sabrina ignored her.
Jeanie just glared, “May I go now, she said calmly?”
Sabrina was going to try and manipulate Jeanie one last time.
Intellectually Jeanie was easily the superior of the two women, even thou her mother held a Ph.D. in both science and medicine. But emotionally, Jeanie was still just a sixteen-year-old girl, and Mark was her first love.
“Your boyfriend, “Mark,” is not welcome over here anymore, Sabrina continued, and if I see him sneaking around your bedroom window or running out the back door, I am going to call the police each time I see him. So, you better make sure that you little pimp understands that, Sabrina threatened.
Sabrina was punishing Jeanie thru Mark, she had given up trying to hurt her directly, And Jeanie immediately started crying despite herself.
“I can’t believe you’re being this vengeful, you hateful bitch, Jeanie said.”
“That horrible mouth again, but it’s not your fault baby, this is your first love, so I forgive you for not knowing any better.
Jeanie shook her head.
God help you if you become pregnant, because that’s when that little pig is going to leave you, and when he does, then where will you be, Sabrina asked rhetorically?”
“You’d love that, wouldn’t you, Jeanie spat.”
“I would never wish motherhood on a sixteen-year-old, that’s what your pimp boyfriend wants so he can control you.
Your wrong, Jeanie said tearfully, she felt sick.
Please Jeanie don’t let him trick you into having his baby, because as soon as you do, that monster will be with another young woman and getting her pregnant, instead of being with you during the delivery …
“Please stop, Jeanie begged putting her hand to her mouth.”
“And you playing the fool, thinking he loves you, but really this is just his way of getting back at you, for him not being as smart as you.”
“I’m going to be sick, Jeanie said, standing up.”
“I hope it’s not morning sickness, because if it is, you won’t be staying here you little tramp. You go throw-up at his parent’s house and have the father of your baby take care of you from now on, now that I know how much of a man he is, Sabrina finished.”
Jeanie froze in horror.
She was a statue, then she suddenly became animated again.
“By staying with Steve, I thought you were only as bad as him, but after this, I realize now that you’re worse. Much worse, Jeanie paused, and I didn’t think that was possible.”
“I know you don’t understand now Jeanie, but one day when you have a teenage daughter of your own, one who breaks your heart the way you’ve broken mine, then maybe you will.”
Jeanie looked at the kitchen mirror that was behind her mother.
“And only then will you understand what today was really all about, Sabrina said, pouring herself another glass of wine.”
“No, I understand exactly what today was really about, and that’s why I would never bring a child into this world, Jeanie said dreamily, staring at her own reflection, she could see the image of her face morphing into the image of her mother’s, and then back again.
“I am so ashamed of both you and Steve, that the only comfort I have is knowing that this cursed bloodline will end with me, she promised.”
“Don’t underestimate yourself baby, you think you’re so perfect that you won’t be able to help yourself, if only to prove how much better of a mother you would be, then I was or ever could be.”
Jeanie looked at her reflection in the mirror again, and she saw a haunted look in her eyes, eerily similar to her mothers.
“Prove to myself, Jeanie said, as she studied herself in the mirror, and touched her face. She looked white as a ghost, but now even her freckles seemed to fade and disappear. I don’t need a baby to do that, all I have to do is look in the mirror behind you.”
“Sabrina laughed, and it had the hint of a crazy person, “She’s going to turn on you.”
Jeanie looked at her mother again, “Who, who is going to turn on me?”
“Your daughter, of course, Sabrina replied.”
Jeanie looked at her mother stunned,
“If you look in the mirror for yourself, you’ll see for yourself why I won’t have children, I’m afraid they’ll wind up as crazy as you are, Jeanie said.”
“Mark is going to have to choose, Sabrina said.”
“What, Jeanie asked confused?”
“Mark is going to have to choose between you, or your daughter, Sabrina answered.”
“No, the choice to have children is mine, not his, Jeanie replied.”
And with that Jeanie ran upstairs, and closed her bedroom door behind her, only when Jeanie thought her mother couldn’t hear her did she start weeping bitterly.
She tried to be as quiet as she could be, but Sabrina could still hear her, and that’s when her hands started shaking. Finally, she could still steady them just long enough to light up another cigarette.
Choice, you still believe you have a choice, Sabrina thought to herself?
She puffed on her cigarette long and hard, Maybe Jeanie wasn’t as smart as she thought she was after all, Sabrina thought to herself as she took another sip of her red wine.
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