Chapter 11: Good Angel Bad Angel

Jeanie felt the sunlight on her face as she was the first to awaken, and after she did, the first thing she did was roll over to find Mark. He was there next to her; sleeping soundly, and then she looked at the battery powered radio clock and checked the time, it was almost 9:30.

Jeanie was going to be in so much trouble when she got home, that she dreaded even thinking about it.

Her mother was going to raise Unholy Hell.

But there was nothing Jeanie could do about that now. She laid on her side and watched Mark sleep for almost another ten minutes.

Jeanie hurt so bad, her sex ached and was sore, and she felt ravaged. She checked to see if she had bled, she had, but it had dried long ago.

She needed to douche, wash her hair, and brush her teeth.

She wanted to soak in a warm bath for at least an hour, and then sleep for the rest of the day.

Jeanie felt nauseous, she wished Mark would wake up just so that she knew he was okay, then she could get the rest of her affairs for the day in order.

Suddenly, as if he sensed her request Mark turned over and opened his eyes, Jeanie reached over and kissed him, with her lips closed because she was worried about her breath.

“Mark held her, and Jeanie rested her head on his chest, and when his eyes focused, he looked at the alarm clock and suddenly panicked, “Jeanie, have you been here all night???”

“Yes, I just woke up myself about five minutes ago.”

“We have to get you home, Mark said, your parents are going to flip.”

“It’s too late for that now, Jeanie answered.”

“I’m sorry I never fell asleep like that before, Mark said.”

“Me neither, Jeanie replied.”

“Thank You for waiting for me to wake-up before going home, Mark said.”

“Your welcome, she said sadly.”

“Do you remember last night he asked?”

“Yes I do, she replied.”

“Are you okay?”

“Yes, but my body hurts and it’s all over, Jeanie, answered.”

“I’m sorry, Mark, said.”

“Unavoidable, Jeanie replied.”

“Hey Jeanie if you’re in so much trouble that you’re afraid to go home, why don’t you just stay here instead.”

“No, I have to go home, but I need to talk to you first, Jeanie replied.”

Mark sat up and looked at her, she sounded gravely serious.

“Do you regret losing your virginity with me, Mark asked?”

“Mark, I wasn’t a virgin, Jeanie said, trying not to cry.”

Mark looked at the sheets, “Well you bled, he raised the sheets high enough to show her the stains.

“I bled but not from that, Jeanie replied.”

“Jeanie, I know I wasn’t your only boyfriend; but you never told me that you had sex before, Mark asked confused.”

“I didn’t want you want you to be mad at me for not being the first, Jeanie said.”

“Then tell me who was, Mark answered, and then he lowered his voice, and I won’t be.”

“My father, Jeanie said.”

“What, Mark asked unbelievingly?”

“My father forced me before I met you, Jeanie said numbly.

Mark looked at her; he didn’t know it yet, but he was crying too.

“I don’t care about not being the first, I do care about you being raped, how could your own father do that to you?”

“Mark, please you have to let me tell you everything, she said.”

“No, forget it, I’m glad you waited to wake me up, because now, I’m going over to kill that mother-fucker, Mark was serious, he had access to a gun that he had stashed. He and his father had gone hunting before, and it was supposed to be locked up, and unloaded, but Mark had hidden it.

“No, you will not, Jeanie said sternly, and prevented him from getting up.”

“You watch me, Mark challenged.”

“I want him alive, Jeanie replied.”

“Why, Mark asked?”

“Because somethings in life are worse than death, Jeanie explained.”

“Like what, Mark said, wiping tears from his face.”

“You asked me what I get from Wicca that I can’t get from other religions, well, I’m trying to tell you. He’s the reason I found my way into Wicca, Jeanie said.”

“I don’t understand, Mark replied.”

“Women have used Wicca for many reasons, fertility is only one, protection is another, Jeanie said.”

“How can that stop him from abusing you, Mark asked?”

“He’s not able to, -not anymore, Jeanie replied.”

“Why not, Mark asked?”

She looked away, refusing to answer.

“Where was your mother, Mark asked?”

“She was in a hospital, a mental hospital, Jeanie answered.”

“He belongs in a mental hospital, Mark replied.”

Jeanie shook her head.

“How long has this been going on, he asked?”

“Are you going to let me talk, she asked?”

“He tried to get mouth shut, but he could not stop crying.”

“My mother was in the hospital when this was going on, Jeanie said.”

“Now I know why you hate your parents, but why you would never tell me the reasons.”

“You can’t tell anyone, Jeanie made him promise.”

“I won’t but it changes nothing between us, I love you as much as I did before, maybe more, for trusting me, Mark tried to comfort her.”

Jeanie’s father used to yell at her and call her terrible names, before during, and after the rape and this caused her severe psychological problems. It was as bad as the rape itself.

But Mark was still unaware of just how badly loud noises scared her, especially yelling, the verbal abuses her father enacted could drive Jeanie to complete catatonia, or a violent psychosis, Mark had only seen one but never the other.

If Jeanie snapped, she would be out of control, violent and deadly. God only knew what the consequences would be.  She was serious when she said that she was trying to protect Mark from herself, when she tried to break up with Mark that day on the beach, now that he had taken her sexually, that was impossible.

Jeanie told the elders at her previous coven, the one she was excommunicated from, what her father was doing. But they did not call the police, because one of the women worked for child services, and the abuse of the children, by the staff, foster homes, and the other foster children was a situation as bad, or worse than the one Jeanie was already in.

They made a dangerous concoction instead and told Jeanie to mix it in with her father’s food or drink. It was odorless, tasteless, and potent.  Ironically, Jeanie was not old enough at the time to perform spells, only potions. Jeanie hated her father for what he was doing to her, but she could not bring herself to kill him.

Despite the rape, Steve was still her father, she would try this first but if he continued to verbally abuse her, she would have no choice, either way she wouldn’t have any sanity left.

One night an hour after dinner, Jeanie’s father Steve had ordered her to bathe and wait for him in his bedroom, as he had done so a dozen times before, when suddenly, he started to lose all sex drive.

Even thou he forced Jeanie to perform oral on him, he was unable to become erect no matter how long she tried.

A month later, Jeanie’s mother Sabrina was released from the hospital after almost a sixteen week stay, Steve told his wife about his sudden inability to achieve or maintain an erection, after he had deflowered Jeanie, Incest was an ancient family tradition practiced by both sides of Jeanie’s parents.

But his health problems continued, until both of her father’s testicles had swollen to the size of small eggs. The condition was so painful that Steve honestly considered killing himself. One night he collapsed on the bathroom floor after urinating blood, Sabrina called an ambulance and they rushed Steve to the local hospital.

He had a 105-degree fever for almost an hour, and when it broke, both his testicles return to normal size, but when they did he was completely impotent. His voice had even changed. Steve went to many urologists afterward, the best who specialized in his type of problem, but all of them were completely baffled as to why the internal structure of his testes had collapsed, and none of them could help him, he was beyond medical science.

All the soft tissue within the testes themselves, the tubules, Epididymis, and Efferent ducts had either been corroded or fused together like wax from a melted candle.

One doctor spoke to another confidentially, that he had never seen such a progressive onset of “testicular degeneration.” And that he was lucky to still be alive.

“Why did he do it Jeanie, Mark asked?”

“I don’t know, maybe I reminded him of a younger version of my Mother, she was quite beautiful when she was younger, Jeanie replied.”

“How old were you when it happened, he asked?”

“Nine, she said, after my first period.”

“You couldn’t tell anyone, report him to the police, or a teacher, Mark asked?”

“No one, Jeanie whispered.”

“And your mom protecting him the whole time, Mark shook his head unbelievably.”

“She had a nervous breakdown, Jeanie said.”

“After she found out, Mark asked?”

“No, it was caused by something else, I don’t know what, they never told me, but it happened at work, and when I found out, she was gone for over four months.”

“She couldn’t help you, Mark asked?”

“I couldn’t even visit her, Jeanie said.”

“Jeanie please stay, Mark begged her.”

“I have to go, I don’t have a choice, if you try to stop me they’ll prevent me from ever seeing you, Jeanie warned.”

“They can’t, Mark confirmed, nobody can.”

“And where are we going to go, what are we going to do, we have no money, and were still minor’s, they’ll find us. They work for the government Jeanie said, your own father who works for the city, will help them, and if anything we’ll be the ones locked up when all this is over. That’s what their waiting for just any excuse to separate us.”

She thought of his father and his inappropriate behavior.

He’s one of them baby, Jeanie thought to herself, as she rubbed the side of his face with her hand trying not cry.

There was a long silence between them, and then Mark spoke.

“You know what I thought the first time I saw you, Mark, asked?”

“No, Jeanie said sadly.”

“I thought to myself, how could one woman be so beautiful, you looked so regal, so majestic, Mark complimented her.”

“Thank you, Jeanie replied without merit.”

“I didn’t even think you were real; you looked like an angel, no human being could be that beautiful.”

“Your silly, Jeanie said wiping her eyes.”

“Do you remember that first day after-school, when I walked you to the store; you couldn’t understand why I insisted on holding your hand all the way back, Mark asked?”

Yes, she relied, but I was nervous, and I was afraid that my palms were sweaty, that’s why I didn’t want you to hold my hand, Jeanie said.”

“It was because I was terrified of letting you go, because if I did you would disappear forever, like a beautiful dream that was so real you didn’t even know it was a dream until after you woke up.”

“But even then, I told you that I was real, Jeanie said.”

“But even then, I always thought you had some mythical quality about you, you always seemed to be more than just human, like part human and part angel. Something divine, he explained.

“Angels live in Heaven Mark, not on Earth, Jeanie replied.”

“Exactly, Mark said, but what if you were a young angel, one who got lost on her way back to Heaven, one who encountered a thunderstorm, and that’s why you are afraid of loud noises, he explained.”

“An angel who got lost and fell to Earth, Jeanie said out-loud, following his story line, very clever.”

“And lost all her powers when she landed, and that’s why you forgot your divinity, Mark replied.”

“No, my father is the reason I’m scared of loud noises, and my mother is no angel, Jeanie countered.”

“What if you were forced to live as a human when you landed. A Lost Angel.”

“Punished for getting lost, Jeannie asked?”

“Not punished, your wings hit the ground, Mark said, you were forced to live as a human he sobbed breaking down.”

“We were thrown out of Paradise, Jeanie said, remember the tale of Adam and Eve,  that’s from your Christian Bible, not even our own judges punish a child for the sins of their parents.”

“No, Jeanie, you’re not catholic, Mark stammered, your wings hit the ground-

“Mark, would it bother you if we never had children, Jeannie interrupted?”

“Well, I don’t know, Mark started, but he started crying again.”

“It not that I don’t want to have your children, it’s just that… we wouldn’t be able to protect them from the horrors of this world, I mean look at our situation, we can’t even protect ourselves, right now, Jeanie said.”

“We’re not our parents, Jeanie, Mark said.”

“No, but we’ll become them, I don’t want “life” to orchestrate circumstances where our children blame themselves for being the victims.”

Mark thought back to that day on the beach when it was completely empty, it was so quiet, when it was dark, he felt like he and Jeanie were the only two people on Earth.

“If I have you I don’t need anybody else Mark said, I’ll leave the decision for having children up to you, maybe one day you’ll change your mind…”

“I won’t Mark, Jeanie said.”

“You might see the good in this world yet Jeanie, you might want a little angel of your own. In any case you will always be better than this world and nobody can ever take that away from you, Mark confirmed holding her.”

“Your beautiful Mark, touching, poetic, even inspiring, but you’re wrong about me, I am no angle, Jeanie answered.”

“Yes, you are, I can see the magnificence in you, you’re the only one who refuses to acknowledge it, and that’s why your so lost… because you don’t belong here, Mark replied.”

“Not true.”

“Why, Mark asked.”

“A lost child is missing, someone you look for, but I felt abandoned, a lost angel is someone you look for, and God would have found me, Jeanie finished.”